What is Church About?

A Pretentious Blog of Self Absorption

Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, late in his life, that his philosophy was unlivable. I put emphasis on the word "his" because, my question is, can it really be his philosophy if he can't live it? Does it really exist as his own, personal philosophy if he cannot actually live it out? If he can't live it out, does is not exist but in some realm of whatever thought & idea are made up of, but doesn't really belong to any person or anything made of actual matter since it cannot actually be produced within the world of physical matter?

Can he own what he says and thinks and in some manner, be detached from what he does?

I ask that because, am I not the same? I have my own philosophy on how to live life, as everyone does. My philosophy is some interpretation of Christianity and the teachings of Christ. Within that I say I believe a lot of things but do I live even a fraction of those thing out? If I do not, do I have any right to claim any sort of ownership to the philosophy?

I am not speaking just of not getting drunk or having sex. But in the manner in which I live my life in private, in my thoughts, feelings and the hidden actions behind the doors of my room, with no one but God around.

As it seems to me, I am failing to follow what I say one should be doing in all of those things most of the time.

I realize there are many attacks that could be made on the possible faults in my thoughts on, what I'll sloppily call, philosophical ownership. I guess it is merely a pretentious, long winded way to say, I think I am living more like hypocrite than like Christ.

The final question. Isn't one being pretentious by merely using the word pretentious?

Shalom

Detached

Has anyone ever felt disconnected from anything and everyone? For about the past month, I have, at least more increasingly so.

God has felt like a distant and far off place. Reading the Bible just seems like really good words, prayer comes hard and feels lifeless. The only thing that seems to keep me going to church is a sense of duty, not to God really, but to the church, I have responsibilities there. But church isn't supposed to be about that. You don't go to church because you have to teach a Sunday school class, you go because the community of your brothers & sisters are there. To commune with your family in God, with God, to God. Yet that is not why I am attending.

I carry around cloaks of apathy and anger everywhere I go. Sometimes they are hardly noticable, other times they are all I notice.

I have been working construction for the past 40 or 50 days. A man from my church told me to join his crew. I am about the least skilled male on earth for construction. I have nearly zero hand/eye coordination and no mind for the issues at hand. I knew this entering the job, I was just taking it to wipe out some debt I owed him. I was under no pretense that I could be good at it, but I figured I'd do my best, work my debt off and leave.

That has not occurred, I do, usually, try my best but I am working still, long after my debt has been paid.

It is all patronizing, I know that without doubt. I am there because of pity, anyone else should have properly been fired by now. That is not low self esteem but an unbiased perception of skill. Sometimes I do actual stuff, sometimes I do work like, moving the trash pile two feet to the left because, well, I gotta have something to do.

He screams a lot, at everyone. His favorite word is piss. Pissing around, pissin' in the wind, and so forth.

I am not one who needs positive reenforcement on a regular or steady basis. I am also not one who takes being told I did something wrong poorly, at least not when it is concerning a field of work I know very little about.

But it is different here. The constant negative criticism, usually being shouted or being chuckled about in a tone of disdain, about not drilling right, shoveling right, throwing the dirt out of the shovel right, or even sitting properly (you always sit with one knee down and one knee only, I've heard that lecture twice I believe) and I am sure if he watched me go to the restroom he'd probably tell me I was doing that improperly also.

There just comes a point when you wonder why you haven't been fired if everything you do has been done wrong. It just seems patronizing to still have the job and then degrading to be screamed at like a 2yr old who just lost their rattle, when doing something wrong. You get the feeling you are there to be yelled at nd little else.

The natural thought then is to quit, but I am 24, I don't have another job to fall back on. Granted, I don't actually need a full time job, school does start full time (17 hours next semster, I've missed school a lot) in little over a month and I will have to leave this job for that regardless. But it seems irresponsible, a 24 year has to have a job.

It is odd, I don't really care about much right now. Not the state of my house, many of my friendships are suffering from criminal neglect on my part, my relationship with God has been diffcult and the more it gets so, the less I seem to try (note: not my belief, I am more sure of Christ than I am of my own existence), yet I still have this sense of responsibility to a job I loathe with an absolute passion.

That just doesn't make any sense to me, but not much has in the past few months.

I actually planned a sort of philosophical/spiritual struggle to post here, but that all kind of melted away once I started typing, maybe next time.

Stranger than Fiction is a good movie by the way.

Shalom

Pascal said, everything is a distraction from the human condition. Absolutely everything, all of our jobs, our hobbies, our games, everything. Only seeking God, in prayer, study of the Word, and so forth, is not.

When I first heard this, I personally believed, it was a zealous overreaction from a convert, which isn't all that uncommon. But I am starting to believe I have misjudged it, at least, to some extent.

In John 3:19-21 it says

"This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

Through personal experience something has been revealed to me. While God is our refuge and our safe haven, He is not a distraction. He is our escape but He is not escapism, at least, not in most cases, that I can tell.

When one comes before God, all that he is dealing with is dealt with. If you come before God, the Light, with doubt, that doubt will be exposed. Not so that you are shown to be evil, necessarily, but so that doubt can be dealt with.

If you come to the Light with grief, you will not, I have discovered, find an escapist realm, like a movie or TV show provides. No, the Light will expose your grief, because your grief must be faced, it must be dealt with. He, as He promised, will comfort you as you mourn, but you must mourn, your grief must be faced.

Not only does the Light expose our deeds, He exposes everything, everything is seen. All that is beautiful (wrought in God), all that is in pain, confused, jumbled, and all that is ugly & evil. But they are all exposed for a reason, not so that Jesus, the Light, can put us to shame, but so that we can deal with them and face them. So, He can work in them. So, His work can be done, as is said in 2 Cor 3:18 "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit."

He is not a distraction, He said were there is perfect love there can be no fear. He doesn't fear anything that will exposed in us when we come to Him, and He doesn't want us to fear any of it either. Because by coming to Him, by having it all exposed by Him, it means He will deal with it, face it with us and for us.

In Joshua God tells Joshua that He goes before him into battle and by his side in battle. When we go to battle and deal with these things that have been exposed in the Light, not only does He go before us, starting a work in us that is glorious and mysterious, but He is also right there with us, every single step of the way. Comforting us, holding us, battling side by side with us, and guiding us every single moment with His ever loving hand.

It is at the this point where I should come back to dealing with Pascal's comment, but my thoughts are not complete, my idea is not completely tied up. When I was reading in John 3, I thought about what I had been learning lately and Pascal popped into my head, and what I had been going through seemed a lot clearer then. How I can explain what I have learned about Pascal's belief is not entirely clear to me yet, but his belief has, in some way (perhaps an illogical one) taught me something or at least lead me to something about God. Or I should say, the Spirit revealed to me something about God today, I did not learn it, it was given to me because of grace.

Shalom

The Day Of

She died around 1:08pm on Wednesday, August 23rd. She had been in a unreponsive state since that Sunday. She had signed a living will previously, so, there was no life support debate. They did, however, have an oxygen mask on her (it merely gave her body an easier time breathing, it did not cause her to breathe) and they had several iv's in her, pumping antibiotics and such into her body.

From about 6 am Wednesday, till about 12 pm, she had been having countless seizures. Her body wasn't active enough for them to be full body convulsions, but they were bad nonetheless. At 12:30 the decision was made to remove the iv's and mask. The iv's were pulled about that time, the mask remained on her for a few extra minutes, so my brother could get there and say his goodbye.

About 30 minutes after the mask was taken off, she died.

Her three children, her husband of 41 years, her little brother, her son in law, and her oldest grandson were all present (along with my pastor).

When the decision was made to do all of these things and the reality began to sink in, we all began our mourning. Tears poured from every face.

After a bit of crying I reached for my Bible and read the same passage about Heaven that I read to my Mema during her last moments on earth.

A little bit after that, my uncle Rusty (her little brother) lead us in singing Amazing Grace, all three verses. I know for many that may sound cliched, but that song has always lead me to really focus on Christ, on His grace, and I know it gave me a great peace.

We huddled together as a family, a little semi circle, we quoted some verses (mainly Philippians 1:20-21), we told some stories, a few jokes, we smiled, laughed, and tears fell.

There really isn't much feeling in those moments, at least not for me. I cried because it came on, I can't say what I was thinking because I don't recall what I was thinking if I was at all, I was just weeping, just speaking, just laughing. You know you're there but, the moment is too great it seems to feel. If that makes sense.

Shalom